The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
