I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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