Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
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