After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize