I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
