So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
