When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize