dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
