I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
