Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.†I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
