yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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