All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
