I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
