half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
