just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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