All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Randomize
