shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
