I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
