Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize