Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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