so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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