If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Randomize
