Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Randomize
