Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
The ass gains better be worth it
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