at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
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