How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
You were trust falling into bushes
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
