I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
