Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize