remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Randomize
