I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
