I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
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