You're my little dorito
who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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