Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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