I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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