my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
