i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
