when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize