How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
