Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
