Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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