I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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