so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
