He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
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