eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
