When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
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