The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
