I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Randomize
