everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
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