Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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