The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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