All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Randomize
