I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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