Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I'm like, not good at living.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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