Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
