For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
