PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
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