I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
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