Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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