i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
