Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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