Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
