how do flat chested girls get laid?
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
