I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
