My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize