I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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