I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
